Mental Fatigue

A few weeks ago, Jared and I had a tough heart to heart.  One of his concerns was that I don't talk to him.  I was side swiped.  I honestly was thinking, "I talk to you on the daily! You share all about your day and I am a great listener!" Those are true statements, but Jared's was also true.  I don't do much talking about MY thoughts, MY feelings, MY opinions, MY challenges, MY wins.  I don't ENGAGE in conversation.  Listening to him and coordinating the family schedule isn't enough for him and the truth is it isn't enough for me either, but I have been suffering from mental fatigue so it is about all I could manage. 

Even as I attempted to reflect on how to address his concerns, I got stuck in the black hole that is my mind.  I would spend a few seconds thinking on one thing and then zap to another thing and to another and to another.  My brain is worn out, y'all! 

Photo Source: Stress Relief Wizard

This kind of scared me! I am a woman of action!  While that is important, being still and taking time to center oneself is equally, if not more important.  

Jared gets hours each week ALONE.  Driving to and from work, lunch hours, etc provide ample time to think and reflect and organize his mind.  On the other hand, I get minutes a week to do those things.  I am almost NEVER alone and being a mom is NOISY.  From the demands of the children, to the media devices, to meeting the needs of others finding time to think had totally fallen off my list.

Today, I got 15 minutes alone on the way to a church meeting.  I revelled in the silence.  It was glorious!  And it allowed me to think of ways I could intentionally put silence BACK into my regular routine. Here is what I know works and what I plan to go back to!

1. Wake up earlier than your family.  You're going to tell me that this is HARD! And it is at first.  Then, you realize the beautiful opportunity it is and fall in love with those extra quiet minutes you give yourself.  And don't wake up and get on your phone or other mobile device! Wake up and read something wonderful--I recommend scriptures or classic literature.  Something timeless.  Spend time meditating and/or praying.  Reconnect with yourself as you begin each day and it will change everything.

2. Steal moments throughout the day.  If you see your children are happily entertaining themselves, quietly excuse yourself to your closet or your bathroom or your backyard.  Take some deep breaths, meditate, pray, visualize your dreams.  It probably sounds hokey, but reminding yourself of your righteous desires will help you make choices during the day that will actually help you make those things happen.  

3. Ask your spouse, partner, friends for help.  Depending on how often you need time alone ask for support.  Whether that is a spouse who bathes the children so you can go on a quiet walk around the block or a friend that watches your children so you can attend the temple or another spiritually uplifting activity.  Plan those things into your day or your week or your month so that they happen.  Intentional living really is key here! 

Photo Source: HRM Online

4. Schedule down time daily.  I do so much better when I actually PLAN to have down time.  Otherwise I will run until I am past empty and ultimately snap at my children or feel completely overwhelmed.  I have learned that a minimum of 30 minutes down time as part of my daily life is essential to my sanity.  I have stopped feeling guilty about it because I makes every other part of my day run more smoothly when I have it.  

5.  Give yourself a break! Being a mom is hard! Everyone in our lives relies on us and makes demands on our time.  If we fail to look out for ourselves, we can create mental fatigue that permeates our lives and keeps us from loving the lives we are creating.  Always remember, you ARE enough.  You ARE doing better than you even think you are.  And you don't have to do it alone.  Motherhood should not feel like martyrdom.   

I, for one, am tired of feeling mentally exhausted.  I am tired of feeling like a victim in my own life. I need a reset and plan to start tomorrow by waking up early and beginning my day reconnecting with myself and my God.  One day at a time, one intentional choice that honors me at a time, one breath at a time and I know I will be back on track to living the life of Essentialism I crave. 

These are steps that I know have helped me.  They are not backed by science! For further information on mental fatigue, here are some articles I found online.

Signs you have mental fatigue: https://www.powerofpositivity.com/7-signs-mental-fatigue/

Ways to beat mental fatigue: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/leslie-davenport/chronic-fatigue_b_1013186.html

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/imperfect-spirituality/201507/4-things-do-when-your-brain-is-tired

I also found the book Essentialism by Greg McKewon to be key in helping me identify where and how to make changes in my life that combat mental fatigue.  

https://gregmckeown.com/book/

The Plug-in Drug

The following post is not meant to make anyone feel badly about their own TV viewing habits. It is has been a personal struggle of mine and I'm recording it for posterity's sake. Some of you expressed interest in my thoughts, so here they are.  The book had a lot of great stuff I won't include here. If your interest is piqued, check it out your local library.

 

I recently read this book.

http://www.mariewinn.com/plugin.htm

 

I tend to obsess over how much TV my children are watching. After reading this book, I honestly wished I could turn back time and never let them sit down to view PBS. Not because I hate TV, in fact I LOVE TV. Mostly because I strongly dislike the little monsters my children become because of TV. Seriously, after too much viewing, these boys of mine become evil versions of themselves. It was becoming this constant battle of dealing with little monsters or getting a break for myself.

 

I'll admit, just like 90% of the children I worked with as a therapist, you could totally blame this problem on me: the parent. I was inconsistent, unclear about boundaries, ambivalent, and wishy-washy about the subject. I lacked conviction big time. On the plus side, I have been doing a lot of positive things: we only have one TV. There are no TVs in bedrooms. We don't have cable television.

 

I really decided to get motivated to do something about what I consider to be a problem for my family after reading the Anne of Green Gables series last year. I fell in love with the characters in this series and longed for a simpler time when my children could have similar experiences as these characters. Now, I know I can't take them back 150 years, nor do I really want to. I don't want them to lack the ability to navigate the high-technology world in which we live; however, I was so tired of non-imaginative, grumpy children. The Plug-in Drug talks a lot about the correlation between less TV and less aggression and vice versa. It also spends a lot of time trying to convince you that TV isn't in itself a bad entity, but that it keeps children from having real-life experiences that facilitate cognitive, emotional, social development. Since these were my biggest concerns and I had seen this in my own home, I really got on board with what Winn was saying. She also points out that TV generations are also closely linked to declines in educational achievement.

 

Winn points out that many parents in recent generations use television as a "child-rearing tool." I hated to admit it, but this was true about me. I've used it for rewards, punishments, to get a break from the noise three active boys can make, etc. I've been afraid to say No and I've really lacked conviction because of my own love of TV. I am definitely guilty of setting them in front of the set so I can catch up on my own programs online.

 

She talks about how TV fills a vacuum for lonely, isolated parents. I have felt that way! Especially when I've been pregnant or had a newborn baby. TV has totally filled that vacuum and I become this guilt-stricken woman who annoys my friends and especially my sister with my first-world problem of how much television my children are watching.

For me, Winn's book was the mirror I needed to look in with an honest heart. It also gave me concrete ideas and strategies to gain control over this problem. I felt empowered! "[I'm] the adult, I can choose!" For those who may be struggling with this as well, here are some more of her suggestions.

 

1. Gain conviction--"The kids will know [I] mean it, if [I] know [I] mean it." So often for me no hasn't really meant no. It just meant no until I got so annoyed I gave in to the pleas for television time or needed some time to myself.

 

2. Establish firm rules--Jared and I discussed this and decided since we aren't ready to give up having a TV, we needed firm rules that we both agreed on. We decided that during the school year we wouldn't allow TV on school days. On non-school days there wouldn't be any rules really. During the summer, we decided to limit TV viewing to 1.5 hours. That way each child can choose a 30 minute program to watch. Winn suggests that TV viewing on non-school days will not be a problem because the children have simply found more interesting things to fill their time. Other rules she suggests, that we had already adopted are no TV at dinnertime or bedtime. (We do have TV dinners on Thursdays when Jared is at the church, but that is it.) One hour a day time limit if you aren't ready for no TV during weekdays. No solitary TV watching. She also suggest we set boundaries on how many programs become regular programs.

I decided to have an organic conversation about television in the car with the children and told them my concerns about too much television watching. I told them things were going to change and that I felt really strongly about this. I said it probably wouldn't be easy, but we could do it together. We're only a week in, but the complaints have become very few and everyone knows when TV goes on and when it goes off. They are filling their time with play and it is wonderful!

 

3.  Natural controls--Place the set itself in an "out of sight, out of mind" location, like a basement or a less frequently used room. Don't get a super fancy set that is enticing to watch. Get rid of cable so you have fewer choices. Don't put sets in children's bedrooms. Develop a rich social life.

 

To be successful she also points out how one needs to be realistic. Making changes is easier if you organize a TV Turnoff or start after a break in your regular schedule, like a vacation. Winn says it is important to "sell it to the kids" and not to "expect miracles." She also tells you to expect withdrawals. She lists the following negatives to limiting TV, missed shows, social pressure, and a decrease in effective punishments for parents to use with children.  Those are really the only negatives she lists.

Here is her list of positive changes in a less/no TV home,  more peace, increased closeness, children are more helpful, sibling relationships improve, adults and children have more interactions, increased reading, increased outdoor play , improved relationships between parents and children, and increased time for crafts and hobbies. I like that list! I want that for my children and for my family.

 

So far we're doing good with our new rules. If it is going to continue to be a success, I have to remember my own priorities for my children and remember that my break won't really come until they are grown up. In the meantime, I will enjoy a regular scheduled bed time so I can get a little respite each day.

 

P.S. Special note to Misty Liu who inspired me to actually do something about all of this simply by being herself. She's over at J&M Ranch. We gave up video games a few months ago thanks to her blogging thoughts.

P.P.S. Just to clarify, TV really should include all screens (computers, tablets, video gaming, phones, etc). My boys are all under the age of six, so those aren't a huge issue. The 1.5 hours they get each summer day includes both TV and computer time.

Happy Mother's Day 2014

Mother's Day is so fun when your children go to school and church and their amazing teachers help them create something special for you. It's also pretty cool when your creative husband does the same. I felt pretty special all week thanks to my wonderful family. Being a mom is awesome most of the time. There are days, I'd rather just go back to bed. Those are few and far between. But it hurts when you give all you've got and are told you are "nasty" when you simply say no to a request. Even if that rudeness comes from a tired and grumpy three-year-old, it still hurts. That same three year old is a doll when he is in a good mood. On Friday, Jared brought home flowers. Landon delivered them and told me "Happy Mother's Day" without being prompted. He's been saying it ever since and it is so cute!
For the most part, I have three sweet boys and one scrumptious little girl. They tell me I'm pretty and always thank me for doing little things for them. They help around the house by making their beds, scrubbing toilets, and mopping the floor. Here are some special things the children made to celebrate me: their mom who is trying her best to be the kind of mom they're proud to have.

 Grayson's pre-school class had a Muffins with Mom day earlier in the week. Here we are with a beautiful watercolor flower Grayson made for me. I am so grateful for his teacher, Mrs. Piper, who takes such good care of my boy when he is away from this proud Mama.

 

A very beautiful placemat that Grayson made for me. The flowers are made from his fingers and fingerprints.

Grayson answered these questions about me. I definitely had some misty eyes when Mrs. Piper read his responses (in italics).

My Mommy's name is Mommy.

My mom is 4.

My mommy's eyes are brown.

I love it when my mom cooks grits, oatmeal, and granola.

I don't like it when she cooks white rice.

When I am at school, my mom does chores.

My mom is prettiest when she goes to church with me and in the morning.

My favorite thing to do with my mom is paint.

The thing I love most about my mom is eating with mommy-she sits by me.

 

A homemade card. Flowers made with fingerprints. From left to right: Jared, Ethan, Grayson, and Landon. That monster butterfly is made from Miriam's feet.

This is a flower bouquet made from cut out handprints of the children. Jared said I look like a goober in this pic. He's right. I'm wearing cut-offs, a JT and Christina Aquilera concert t, and I was looking up at him as he took the photo. But I am happy to be the mom of my brood. They are something special.

A card Ethan made with his fingerprints. The poem says "This little flower is special, you see, Because it was made from a part of me. My painted thumb made each flower part To show I love you with all my heart!  Happy Mother's Day!

Ethan also wrote and illustrated a book for me.

My Mom by Ethan

My mom is fun.

My mom likes flowers.

My mom cooks yellow rice.

I love my mom.

And today at church Grayson and Landon's teachers made some Mother's Day cards.

Landon's is on top. Look how big his hand is. I can't stand it!

 

Sometimes you get discouraged because I am so small and always leave my fingerprints on furniture and walls. 

But every day I'm growing--I'll be grown someday and all those tiny handprints will surely fade away.

So here's a little handprint just so you can recall exactly how my fingers looked when I was very small.

 

Grayson's two little hands are so cute! He wrote "I love you" on the pink strip. He actually did a pretty great job with his writing.

 

I love my children so much! And my sweet husband who helped me become a mommy and is sharing this crazy life with me.

Happy Mother's Day to all the women in my life that influence me for good. You know who you are! I am blessed beyond measure.

"The Mom I Want To Be"

In 2001, while married to my first spouse, I wrote the following paper in a class at BYU. My mom found it recently and I thought it would be fun to post it. Mother's Day is this weekend and I loved reading through what my 21 year old self expected in becoming a mother. Little did I know that before becoming a mother, I'd divorce, remarry, and turn 27 (so old). I never thought my path to motherhood would occur in this way. I am so grateful to be a mother. I am also so grateful for the other women in my life that have influenced me and been my "mothers." My own mother is a wonderful woman and I am lucky to have been sent to a mother that was so inspiring, loving, and fierce. (Excuse the weird format. I couldn't get in to edit it, so you're seeing it as it was returned to me after grading. I got an A in case you were wondering.)

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Motherhood

So, I love being a mother. It is something I have always wanted to be. As wonderful as it is to achieve one's life goal, it is sooooooooooo hard. This week seemed especially hard, but that might be because I had strep throat and that is the worst kind of sick I can get. I can handle non-epidural births, but give me strep throat and I want to die! Seriously, that uvula thing that hangs in the back of your throat was stuck to my tonsil because it was so swollen. I couldn't eat and I could barely drink. I am actually planning on having my tonsils removed soon because they cause me so many problems. I digress.
Where was I? Oh yeah, motherhood is wonderful and hard. It is truly a refiner's fire. I am constantly doing self-assessments and finding myself completely lacking and deciding I'll just keep doing my best and hope it's good enough. Occasionally, something happens and I'll think, "I totally got that one right." But most of the time, it is me on my knees praying that I'll have children that grow up to know how much I love them despite my lack of perfection.
As I write this, my three boys are starting a three-day, parent-free weekend at Gigi and Papa's and baby girl is napping. I was sitting here and didn't know what to do with myself. There were no noses to wipe, snacks to prepare, Legos to build, quarrels to break up, tears to dry, clothes to fold (oh, there are clothes to fold, but I don't wanna)... I have only been boys-free for two hours and I MISS them already. 
So, as hard as motherhood can be, I wouldn't want any other life and I know how blessed I am to have the life I have. There was a time in my life when I had very little hope of ever being this happy.  Now, despite the lack of sleep, graying hair, and non-existent "me" time, I feel like the luckiest gal in the world.

Sleeping babies

I finally uploaded some phone pics to the computer and found so many shots of sleeping babies. They were so cute, I had to share.

Super Happy Fun Time

I've been reading Amy McCready's book "Don't Make Me Tell You One More Time." It is supposed to help reform me from a mom who yells, nags, etc to a mom that doesn't. I don't yell a lot, but enough that I get angry at myself for losing my cool. I have been going slowly, so that I can actually implement the tools she provides.  I am about 1/3 of the way through the book and the first three tools have already proved pretty helpful.
The very first tool she shares is for each parent to set aside a minimum of 10 minutes, twice a day to have individual time with each child. Okay, I felt completely overwhelmed thinking about this. For me, that is an hour and a half minimum  per day. I didn't know where I was going to find this kind of time. Jared works a lot during the day, so we determined he'd be a success if he got in one ten minute session per child. I am home all day, so I figured I could probably reallocate 1.5 hours and find a way to make this work. 
The goal behind this tool is to help each child feel a sense of significance and belonging.  In theory, they will have guaranteed Positive attention daily and will be less likely to act out just to get attention (Negative attention, that is). I have found that this makes a huge difference. Tool number one is a success! It is also a lot of fun. Laundry doesn't get folded as quickly, but I get to play with my children and learn more about them. Seems so simple, that I had to ask myself, "Why didn't I think of that?"
If you're not already doing this, you should. It is awesome.

 Puzzles, cinnamon toast, and chocolate milk with Grayson!

 Doing math puzzles with Ethan!

Just a cute shot of Miriam!

Deliberate Parenting

I have been taking a long, hard look at my parenting the last few weeks.  Maybe it's because I no longer am working in a professional setting and am determined to take my role as full-time stay-at-home mom as seriously as I did my role as therapist.  I love my children and I love being a mom, but it can be exhausting and unrewarding at times.  Despite that, I KNOW that mom is the best hat I'll ever wear even though it looks ragged, worn, and dirty. 

I discovered the POWER OF MOMS website through my friend, Emily, and learned a little about deliberate parenting.  Then I read Clayton Christiansen's book HOW WILL YOU MEASURE YOUR LIFE? and found the same thing flashing in neon lights: If you want your children to turn into kind, happy, hard-working, loving, testimony-having adults, you need to create experiences for them now that help them to do so. 
Sure they'll probably turn out fine, but I want them to have as many advantages as possible.  The world is hard.  So hard. My children aren't even in real school yet, but I hear things from friends and family that scare the pants off of me.  I want Jared and I to be positive influences in their lives, I don't want the learning of life lessons to come from people I don't know and don't trust. 

Another website I found while reading my BYU alumni magazine belongs to Daryl Hoole, one of the greatest homemakers and educators in the field of homemaking.  THE ULTIMATE CAREER focuses on home management and family living.

Basically what I have determined after pondering deliberate parenting and counseling with friends that are dear to me is that all I need to do is be available and present at critical moments in my children's lives.  I also need to determine what values and characteristics are most important to me (and Jared) in order to know what types of experiences/lessons my children need to have in order to attain said values and characteristics. 

There are so many good values and characteristics, but through prayer I'm pretty confident that those that I have come up with will work for our family.  It is important to me that my children are friends with one another.  That they come to find their greatest joys and greatest supports are growing up right in their own home.  In order for this to happen we need to provide experiences that help facilitate this.  Family dinners, family vacations, showing support for individual family members at sporting events, concerts, etc.

I'd also like to see my children become kind and happy adults.  I know life isn't easy and they are sure to experience trials, but I'd like to see them cope in a way that doesn't compromise their happiness.  That they never lose hope even when life is bleak or scary or unfair. I would like them to be hard-working.  Laziness and simply not engaging in meaningful life experiences is something I have a very low tolerance for.

Most of all I want my children to know that Jared and I love them unconditionally.  A few years ago, Jared and I were talking about our children and what kind of adults they might become.  He said something that really stuck with me.  Jared said, "I have already decided that no matter what my children choose to do, I will love them."  It must be said that no matter what I do to foster the qualities/values above, my children may choose not to adhere to those qualities/values.  I will love them whatever they choose.  I also want them to know that Heavenly Father loves them unconditionally and I hope that they develop a deep love for their Heavenly Father.

It seems I may be rambling; I am just trying to gather all the thoughts I've had over the last several weeks into one place.  I come from a family of strong, amazing women that are excellent mothers.  I want to be like them.  The things I want my children to know, I learned from my mother, my Nana, and my aunts.  These women are integral in helping me determine the kind of woman I want to be.  I hope to honor them as I attempt to pass along similar qualities and values to my own children.

The last week has worn me out!

Okay, so I'm going to complain.  There's your warning.  Read no further if you don't want to be "Debbie Downer-ed."
Although I was a little bummed not to head to San Diego with Jared last Thursday, I was excited about spending time in one of my favorite places with some of my favorite people.  Jared's plane left very early morning and we headed to St. Augustine after preschool and were there in time for dinner.  It was awesome to be home because my parents take care of me which is a fun break from life.  Mom and I went to see the Hunger Games, Dad stayed home and got the boys in bed, and it was amazing.  Friday was equally amazing.  We went to the beach even though the sky was black.  I pulled into the parking lot and the clouds seriously parted and the sun was shining and it was a gorgeous day.  Stacey, Joe, Lyla, Logan, Will, Catie, William, Juliet, Olivia, and my brood were there to PLAY.  And we did for three hours!  That is the longest I've made it at the beach with children and it was the best time I've ever had.  It was so much fun.  (Unfortunately no pics.  I thought Jared had the camera and he thought I had it.  All along it was in the drawer at home.)
On Saturday, I woke up feeling like crap!  I took some Advil and got to work because we were hosting a huge party that night at my parent's house to screen the film Tony helped make.  My excitement was there, but my body just couldn't keep up.  My dad finally took my temperature and it was 100.6.  Woa, I'm am definitely sick, but I must be at this party.  It was what I was looking forward to most.  More Advil.  I made it until 9 and had to turn in even though things were going strong.  The next day I felt about the same, only my throat was killing me.  I could barely swallow any food it was so painful.  My dear sister took the two older boys and I was able to get some good rest.  I was determined to come home that night to see Jared when he arrived, so... more Advil.
We made it home, but I felt terrible.  My whole body ached, my throat felt like it was closing up, I couldn't eat and could barely drink.  I went to bed shortly after Jared got in.  Monday morning I decided that I probably needed to go to the doctor.  After an hour and two doctors looking at me, I got a referral and blood was taken to rule out Mono.  What?!  Two hours later at the ENT, I am told I have acute tonsillitis and that an abscess had formed on my right tonsil.  Gross!  They drained it right then and it was the worst.  A large needle was inserted into my tonsil, yep that's at the back of your throat, to numb the area--TWICE.  Then, an incision was made on the abscess.  Left with a follow up and three prescriptions, including a painkiller. Glorious because that meant I could actually swallow the horse pills I was prescribed and could eat and drink again. 
Tuesday, I was hoping to relax, but fate had other plans.  About an hour before I had to go have stitches removed from an entirely different medical procedure, I put Landon down for his nap.  When I come out of his room, Grayson is caught orange-handed as he is putting the finishing touches on a carpet masterpiece.  He had squirted pools of orange paint in a very large area on my living room floor.  He is a sneaky little thing. Thank heavens for the Loritab or I'd probably have lost my mind. 
Tonight, I have tried three different products on the paint and to no avail.  Got a call into Stanley Steamer to see if they can do anything about it.  Follow up visit with ENT on Monday and the primary care physician wants to go over my bloodwork in the office on Monday as well.  That's making me a little nervous, but hopefully that is just routine.  Needless to say, I'm worn out.

Some Firsts

Landon ate his first yogurt on his own.  It's funny because I let the other boys do this so much sooner.  Guess having a carpet instead of tile/laminate under my table has made me less courageous about self-feeding.  He loved it so much.  We also allowed applesauce a few days later, but most of that ended up in his hair. 

Action Shot

I made my first "from scratch" cake this week for Jared's birthday.  It is a Black Forest Cake and it was so good.  I was very impressed with myself and am not afraid to brag about it.

Jared turned 30!  He was so excited and so were the boys.  Here he is with the banner they made for him.

Landon did not want to swim with the bigger boys.  He wanted to EAT!  Since they were busy swimming and didn't want to eat, Landon ate his lunch and theirs.  I am not exaggerating.  Boy ate three PBJs.

So good!

We got our first mini-van!  I have never fallen in love so quickly.  I LOVE my mini-van and have officially crossed over. 

It is a 2008 Toyota Sienna and it is perfect.  She needs a name and I will take suggestions.

We broke out the pool for the first time this season.  The weather has been perfect here!  March is a great time to visit Florida.  We would love some visitors!  Come visit us!

Clean Clean Clean

Those of you with children know how difficult it is to keep your house clean. Maybe I should clarify, I do not have difficulty making sure things are sanitary (I buy stock in Clorox wipes and Purell); the difficulty lies in keeping the house tidy. I have finally learned that there is really no use in tidying up prior to bedtime because within minutes what I just put away finds its way back onto the floor. I get tired of the clutter sometimes, but if the alternative is that my boys are fully grown and nowhere to be found I will take clutter and mess any day of the week.
After a nasty bout of a stomach bug (3 of 5 were afflicted and it was so messy and gross), I saw Jared wearing shoes at all times in the house. Poor man was afraid to walk on our carpets for fear of what remnants he might encounter. The carpets were looking pretty gross altogether given we have three messy boys, a dog, and that one of those boys had serious acid reflux up until a few months ago. It was time to call in the professionals. The carpet cleaners came and cleaned the carpets and all three pieces of living room furniture. Heavenly! Fear not dear friends, you can go barefoot in our home once again.  

The couch took forever to dry.  This meant Landon could climb up on his own and make himself comfortable.

Grayson insisted I take his photo too, and this is what he gave me.  Work it.

Watching a movie.  We know how to improvise.

It's time!

It's time to get a mini-van, people.  We have held out for several reasons, but it is definitely time.  We love our little Rav 4.  It is sporty and cute, which is how I like to describe myself (hehehe). Bygones.  We are in the process of selling said Rav 4 so that we can purchase a mini-van.  Moms I know all rave about their mini-vans and I'm sure I will begin drinking that Kool-aid in no time.  Jared is really dreading this, but he won't even drive it really.  He still drives my cute and spunky Civic and will until the day that it goes no more.  I think secretly he is jealous.  Not sure how long it'll take to sell our car, but as soon as we do I will be cruising around O-town in a cute and practical mini-van.  Watch out world, especially those in parking lots.  Little nervous about parking such a boat.

Tough Couple of Weeks

The last two weeks were so rough.  Two weeks ago, I stayed home from church with Landon and Grayson because they both seemed a little under the weather.  The next morning, I woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a truck.  Jared even stayed home from work because I was so sick.  He did end up with it, but only a mild version that did not keep him down for four days like me.  I haven't been this sick in a long time and I was quite the baby about it all. 
Once I was finally feeling better, it was time to take Ethan in for his little surgical procedure.  The official name is a "meatotomy," which to be honest grosses me out.  He didn't seem to mind leaving the house before the sun was up with just Mom and Dad.  However, once he figured out it wasn't for fun, he quickly expressed his dislike.  He did really well, but was super grumpy before going in.  I felt pretty at peace about everything, but was nervous about him coming off anesthesia.  I had reason to be nervous.  He basically turned into a crazy person.  He was screaming and thrashing his body around.  He wasn't too bad at the hospital, but by the time I got him home he had seriously LOST it.  I felt so helpless.  It is the worst feeling to have as a parent.  He kept begging me to make his penis feel better and there was nothing I could do.  About an hour of crazy Ethan and I thought I wasn't going to make it.  So glad my mom was here to help out.  He finally settled down and was doing pretty good until he had to go potty for the first time.  He screamed and shouted and there was even an "Ay yi yi!"  After that he refused to go to the bathroom.  I had to put him in a warm bath because he'd only gone twice in 24 hours.  On Friday (two days after surgery), he finally realized it no longer hurt and we've been okay since then.  Poor little man!  (Pun intended.) 
The good news is his bladder and urinary tract can now operate normally.  The bad news is I fear he is traumatized for reals.

Laundry

Okay, so I know this post is about to make me seem even cooler than I already seem.  Read on if you think you can handle it.  This is my king-sized bed after the laundry was folded today.  I swear this stuff has begun to breed.  I did about 5 loads today.  That is a lot for me.  I try to do 2 loads a day to keep on top of stuff.  With the messiest about to be 2 year old and a 9 month old that has serious, stinky reflux, we change clothes a lot throughout the day.  I joked with Jared that I should list laundry as my hobby because I spend so much of my time doing it.  I don't even know if this picture does it justice.  It is seriously, a lot of laundry.  On top of clothing, sheets, towels, etc, I also cloth diaper so I do diaper laundry each week as well.  Needless to say, I am definitely going to start listing laundry as my hobby. 
I am not really complaining.  A friend of mine once said that she enjoys laundry because she knows she won't be folding itty-bitty clothes forever.  Basically, the less laundry I have, the bigger my children will be.  Thinking of it that way makes me stop and appreciate what this mountain really means.  My children are still sweet babies that brighten my life each day.  I will cherish each sock I successfully match and roll.  I will linger as I fold tiny shorts.  And, I will not cringe when I empty that stinky diaper pail.  Maybe having laundry as a hobby isn't so terrible after all.

My heart melts... (Musings from an adoring mom)

Ethan has this smile that just makes my heart melt.  He is awesome.  Today I was so proud of him as he participated in the special Primary Presentation the children do each year at our church. He sang the songs and had a little line to say.  They don't let you video it, which is too bad because all of the children were so wonderful.  I even teared up watching my little man.  He will be four in less than two weeks and I can hardly believe it.  He is so sweet and brings our family so much joy.  Ethan is always looking out for his younger brothers and is so helpful. 

This morning we participated in our traditional Sunday morning snuggle.  It is seriously the highlight of my week.  Ethan and Grayson pile into our bed and we just talk and laugh and, of course, snuggle!  I hope they don't outgrow it for a long time.

Grayson also has a smile that makes my heart melt.  His smile usually means he is up to something.  He is also awesome and a fabulous member of our family.  Today, Grayson got to see his Papa (my dad), with whom he has a special bond.  Grayson has a limited vocabulary, but Papa is one of the words he knows.  When my parents walked in Grayson shouted Papa and ran into his arms.  He stayed by his side all day.  Tonight he was walking around in just his diaper because I just love to see his little body move.  He is our snuggle bug and is so sweet. 

Landon has a smile that makes my heart melt too!  His even comes with a huge dimple in his left cheek.  I love when his paci is in his mouth and he begins to smile, but doesn't want to lose the paci.  It's just so cute.  Landon loves to laugh.  He especially loves to laugh at the sillyness of his brothers.  Landon's smile will be changing soon because one tooth has arrived and another is not far behind it.  I think it will be awesome when Landon joins us for our weekly snuggle experience, but I don't want to rush it too much. 

I just love my kids.  I'm a pretty lucky lady.

Fly Lady

I have heard many of my friends talk about Fly Lady, so I decided to look her up.  You can too at www.flylady.net
She gives those who want to start her steps to de-cluttering and de-chaosing (I know it isn't a word) Baby Steps to begin. Her first step is to Shine the Sink. I did so today and she's right. I feel like a million bucks and Jared did look at me like I am crazy.

BEFORE

 AFTER

Just because I'm feeling sorry for myself

People have real problems.  I do know that.  I work with people with real problems.  I have problems, but they aren't that bad.  I have food to eat, shelter, beautiful, healthy children, handsome husband that loves me, etc, etc.  We even have jobs, although they don't do much in the way of covering all the necessary expenses of a family of five.  But we have them.  And thanks to my loving, patient in-laws we have been living pretty well while Jared looks for work (a new job, post-graduation, that will hopefully pay more than below the poverty line).  I told my mom the other day that I'm tired of being poor.  Jared finally got a job offer, but it was so low we didn't accept the position.  With the extra insurance cost to us and the $1200 price tag to park in downtown Orlando where the offices are located, we were not making anymore than we are currently making.  Big bummer because we are both so ready for this job search to be over.  I know I am struggling with patience, but we sold our home in October 2010 and have been living with parents since that time.  So ready to have my own space, cook my own meals, see my pictures on the walls, and sleep in my bed. 
Just feeling sorry for myself today.  Is it too much to ask that a college graduate get paid a decent salary?  Seriously!  I looked into going back full-time, but the childcare costs would eat up anything I would make.  Lame.  I think I've spread enough ill-will for the day, so I'll stop.

Hot Mess

I am a hot mess people. I just don't feel like myself. This is going to be personal, so feel free to ignore this post if you'd like. So many things have happened this year that have been hard. Let's see:
Adjusting to life as a mom of two (way harder than I thought it'd be for me)
Short selling our home (very emotional and stressful)
Living apart from Jared and my life for 2 months (so hard and something I don't ever want to do again)
Having a third baby when I was by no means ready to be pregnant or upgrade to three quite yet and the guilt I've had for feeling that way
On the upside:
Grayson is awesome and we love that he is in our family
Ethan is an amazing little boy, sweet and kind and so many other wonderful things
Jared is the world's best husband for putting up with me and all my craziness
Getting to be with my family for an extended period of time, I never get to do that
The opportunity to bring another special boy into this world will be great and it is about time I got over the shock

I have so many negative feelings and can't seem to shake them. As a therapist, I "know" what I should do, but for some reason I struggle to do those exact things. Hopefully being with Jared daily will help and getting back into my life: friends, job, church, etc, will help me turn my frown upside down. I shouldn't be ungrateful for all the blessings in my life because my path got a little windy.

Whew!

Seriously, the last couple of weeks have been rough on me. I know I really do have it pretty good, but lately I have been missing my man! He has had so much homework, he has been gone almost every day and night for a few weeks. I really appreciate all the things Jared does around here because I've been doing them lately. It's been crazy! I know I have no reason to complain, but this is not my normal and I miss my normal. The semester is almost over and my wonderful mom is going to take the boys for a couple days so Jared and I can celebrate our 5 year anniversary on April 30! Can I get a Yee-Haw for amazing moms?!

In the midst of all this craziness I have started my own business. That's right, I am in private practice, which basically means I am a therapist and making bucks! It is a little weird for me because going into this profession I always wanted to look out for the underdog, my clients. Private practice is totally different from non-profits, which is what I've been doing since I graduated. In all my other jobs clients have been able to access services for free. This goes against that core belief of mine, but in the end mama needs to bring home some bacon, so now I'm looking out for me. Even with overhead, I'm doing pretty well so far. It has only been three weeks, but I am pleased to have a some clients and get new referrals each week. My goal is to fill two full days and cut back to one day or one evening a week once Jared finishes school and is making more at his job.

Needless to say, I am TIRED! I think I'm going to go eat some of that jam I made with some friends.

30 Weeks

I am now less than 10 weeks away from my due date (December 7) and we are getting closer to a name. For fear that someone will change my mind, I am keeping it a secret just a little bit longer. We are still working on the middle name anyway so the big reveal will come when we've settled on that. I saw my doctor this week and all is looking great. I feel pretty good except I am extremely tired, which comes with the territory. My doctor mentioned that since Ethan came so early (nearly 3 weeks), she wouldn't be surprised if this little guy came early too. I would love to avoid being 10 months pregnant, but don't want to get my hopes up either. We'll just have to wait and see. One thing about babies is they come when they're ready and not necessarily when mom is. Here's a pic of me at 30 weeks. I definitely have started running into people with this thing! Don't stop short in front of me or you'll be bumped a few feet: )